Any great ways to answer the question "so when are you going to have children" other then it's none of your damn business? Any help would be appreciated:) Crass, jaw dropping remarks are welcome.
Many thanks,
Charla
Dear Fellow Non-Breeder,
I’m going to spare you all the biological bullshit about how society still expects couples to have babies because of a Darwinian, near-species-wide hardwired need to keep the human race going. You know all that, and if you don’t, I’m glad you’re not having children at the moment, because you obviously don’t meet my i.q. prerequisite for procreating rights.
So, how to answer the $10,000.00 question. You could go the, make the questioner feel guilty for asking route, or you could make them feel like you’re not the sort of person who they’d want to see having kids anyway. My suggestions are these, feel free to use them in any variation or frequency you like.
1. We’ve tried and tried, but after the fourth miscarriage, we decided it just wasn’t in God’s plan for us to have kids.
2. Alcoholism, club-footedness, swollen tongue, and supernumerary nipple all run in my husband’s family, and he just refuses to let me breed with another man’s seed.
3. With the economy the way it is, we’ve been eating cat food twice a day since February. It just doesn’t feel right to bring another life into the world under those circumstances.
4. I’m sorry if there’s some emptiness that you’re feeling in your own life that you have to live vicariously through someone else’s uterus, but I think it’s time you take up some hobby other than sticking your nose in the business of my reproduction. Might I suggest sword swallowing or cliff diving?
5. I know most little girls dream of growing up and finding the perfect man, and having the fairytale wedding, and raising a family. Well, my dream was like that, except in my dream, I just wanted to raise ferrets. Lots and lots of ferrets. Do you want to see a picture of my ferrets!?
6. Actually, we’re trying right now. I’ve always thought of child rearing as something of an experiment. Like, what if for the first 12 years of the kid’s life, we tie his left arm behind his back. If at age 13, we give him use of his left arm, will he learn how to incorporate it into his life, or will it just be like a dead limb? It would be really cool if we had twins so that we could use one for the experiments and the other as a control subject.
7. I just don’t think a child would fit into mine and my husband’s lives right now. We’ve only got a 2 bedroom apartment, and right now the spare bedroom is where we practice the s&m. We spent a lot of money installing that sex swing, and I’d hate to take it down before we got our money’s worth. Then again, babies love swings, right?
8. I don’t tell many people this, but my 8th grade history teacher gave me a really bad case of Chlamydia. Mr. Hawthorne made me swear not to tell about us, so I just let it go. Well, flash to 15 years later, and my lady doctor tells me I’ll never have children.
9. Fuck Off.
If you have questions for Carrie, please send them to carrieadvice@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/notannlanderswhere I can solve all your problems in 140 characters or less.
