Dear Carrie,
I think I might be sterile. I have no evidence to support this theory; it's just a hunch. What types of seeds should I plant in my garden this year?
Sincerely,
Sowing the seeds of hope
Dear Seed Sower,
If there’s no hard science upon which to base your feared sterility, I have no choice but to assume that you aren’t getting laid. Before we go off half-cocked and start soliciting referrals for fertility specialists or switching from briefs to boxers, let’s see about testing your theory. You need a way to seduce a woman and, while I fully appreciate the implied euphemistic meaning of your question, I’m going to recommend that you leave the actual growing of flowers to the experts. Gardening takes finesse and since you clearly have none, I think planting anything could just exacerbate your problem. If flowers are still the way you want to go, let me suggest lilies. Dating as far back as ancient Greece, when people thought that the first lilies on earth sprang from Hera’s boob after she nursed little Hercules, the lily has been a symbol of fertility. Need more proof? Later, the Christians adopted the lily as the symbol of Mary (as in Virgin not Magdalene) and she got knocked up without any help from a sad sac like you, so there must be something to this flower.
As for what you should do with the lilies once you acquire them, that’s going to depend on the sort of girl you’re trying to mate with. One idea might be to fashion a sort of loin cloth out of them then show up at some raucous Saturday night frat party near whichever college campus you live closest to. If that’s not the kind of action you’re into, how about taking a bunch of Lilies to the office and systematically passing them out, one each, to all of your female coworkers, explaining that your only hope is to brighten their day. Sure, half of them will assume you’re gay, but the other half will be so impressed at your thoughtfulness that they’re sure to start picturing you naked whether they mean to or not. Maybe the best idea is somewhere in between these two extremes. If there’s a girl you like, ask her out. Show up to the first date with a nice bouquet, buy her a moderately priced dinner, and see where things go. After all, if it turns out you’re not sterile, it might be nice to follow through and raise the child with someone who’s first memory of you won’t be as that crazy guy who showed up to Beta Beta Gamma’s Spring Finals Party in flower underwear.
If you have Questions for Carrie, please send them to carrieadvice@gmail.com
