Nothing Is Ever Your Fault, and I Can Prove It

Dear Carrie,

What do you do when your idiot brother lives across the country, and has no time to pick up the phone and call you? And what do you do if it’s totally fair that he doesn’t call you because you don’t call him either. Basically how do I make this his fault?

--The Better Sibling

Dear Equally Shitty Sibling,

I’m happy to get this question because it gives me a chance to bitch about my own life. I too have a sibling who is impossible to get a hold of. I assume it’s because she’s too busy being a better person than I am to pick up the phone or attend family functions. To be fair, she does send me a text message every January 5^th (the correct date, by the way) to wish me a happy birthday. This one detail serves to keep her just barely out of shitty sibling territory where I would otherwise be permitted to complain about the fact that she routinely comes to Columbus for reasons other than to see her big sister without ever calling to say, “Hey, I’m in town, want to grab a bite?” What I’m saying is, I can relate.

Since you are the sibling writing to me and not your brother, I am more than happy to vilify him with you. Keep in mind that if the tables were turned, I’d gladly make you out to be the asshole. In fact, see if you can get him to submit a question on this subject from his perspective, and I’ll run both responses side-by-side. It might be an interesting experiment, but I digress.

Since I don’t know your brother’s side of the story, I can only assume that the real reason you never call him is because of past rejections. You’ve undoubtedly tried and tried to get a hold of him through every means possible. Calls, emails, carrier pigeons, smoke signals—I assume you’ve exhausted them all to no avail. Even dogs and co-dependent wives of alcoholics stop coming around to be kicked eventually. It’s no wonder you don’t call him anymore. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’ve suffered enough.

Now, if the above isn’t true—if you haven’t been shot down time and time again in your attempts to contact your good-for-nothing brother (and I’m not sure I’d believe you even if you told me this was the case given the obviousness of your victimhood) take heart, hope is not lost. We can still make this his fault. To make this work, you need only two things, a phone and a brain. Even if you don’t have the latter (which you very well may not since you haven’t thought of this on your own) you’re going to be okay. I’m going to do the bulk of the thinking for you.

The best thing you can do to make the lack of communication your brother’s fault is to call him when you know he’s at work. I know this isn’t as sure-fire as it would once have been now that we’re in the age of the cell phone, but believe it or not, there are still some people out there who have a work ethic and won’t answer cell phones while they’re on the job; furthermore, if your brother doesn’t have the kind of ethic or the kind of job that would prevent him from answering his phone at work and he really doesn’t have any desire to talk to you, your calling him when he’s at work gives him the perfect opportunity to play the, “sorry I couldn’t answer my phone at work,” card. It’s a win-win. You can say you tried to call him and claim that he is unreachable which makes him a dick or, if you know there’s no reason for him not to pick up when he’s at work and he tries to use work as an excuse, you can call bullshit and he’s a double-dick—one for not picking up and two for lying about why he didn’t pick up.

Once you feel sufficiently ignored by your brother, the next step is to call any family or mutual friends and say things like, “Hey, have you heard from (insert brother’s name)? I’ve been trying to get a hold of him, and he isn’t calling me back. I hope he’s okay.” Now he’s in deep shit for being a crappy brother and you’ve got people worrying about him. As there exists no nagging like that of a worried mother trying to get a hold of her elusive son, he’s sure to have to answer to someone eventually, and how are you at fault in this situation? You’re not. All you did was try to contact your brother then look out for his best interest by asking others if he’s okay. What kind of jerk would put his loved ones through that? You walk away looking like an angel.

What are you waiting for? Pick up the phone. Unless, of course, you're worried that he'll pick up and you'll actually have to talk to him.

If you have questions for Carrie, please send them to carrieadvice@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter atwww.twitter.com/notannlanderswhere I can solve all your problems in 140 characters or less.

Please Stop Bragging About Your Fantastic Job

Photo courtesy of cramkiss

Dear Carrie,

My partner thinks that my job is a total joke, but I happen to love it. Do we have a future, or should I just hope that the economy takes care of both of our jobs and leaves our love?

Dear Ambiguously Partnered,

First A.P., I’d like to take a line or two to establish a key for this entry. Since you’ve given me no clues as to the gender of this partner of yours and I would resent having to type he or she, his or her, him or her every time I want to refer to this person, I’m making your partner a woman and going with girlfriend instead of wife. Also, I feel safe assuming that if your girlfriend thinks your job is a joke, then you aren’t in a profession that’s deemed universally useful, so for the remainder of this response, you’re line of work will be lion tamer. If this is inaccurate or offends you in any way, you have only yourself to blame. Moving on.

A.P. this goes not only for you, but also for anyone else reading, unless you are working as a clown, a stand-up comic, or a Blue Dog in the U.S. House of Representatives, your job is not a joke. It is, in fact, your girlfriend who is the joke for not respecting the fact that you are a person who is drawing a paycheck in this economy. As I write this, the national unemployment rate is 9.7% the highest it’s been since 1982. Based on a little unofficial polling that I’ve conducted, the percentage of people who are employed in this country who actually love their jobs is, coincidentally, also 9.7%. What I’m saying is, you’re living the dream.

Look, there are only so many positions available for folks whose dream it is to insult people while simultaneously helping them, or for astronauts, or lion tamers. Just about everyone else spends 40 hours a week in a cubicle or trying to sell something that people can no longer afford or, if you live in Columbus, OH, building luxury condos that no one will ever move into. If nearly 10% of the potential workforce is out of work and only 10% of those employed love their jobs, then that leaves 81% to be homicidally jealous of you. I’m assuming that’s what’s happening here. Don’t let the crappy economy and mood that it’s putting everyone in get in the way of any future that you and your girlfriend might have. Try to see things from her point of view. You have this amazing job where you get to do what you love, and chances are if she’s working at all, she’s had to settle for her plan b (or more likely plan c or d).

Just as it can be hard on a relationship if one person is miserable at work and lets that carry over into her home life, so too can it add stress to a relationship if one person is over the moon about her job and is constantly reminding her partner how great said job is. For example, when I started responding to your question, I thought I loved having an advice column, but the more I think about you getting to hang out with lions all day long, the more I realize just how unimpressive what I’m doing here is. Frankly, I sort of want to be a dick to you now too. I can just imagine how your girlfriend with her plan d career feels every time you come home bragging about which lion’s mouth you had your head in that day.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t be happy around your girlfriend. I’m just saying that maybe you should make a concerted effort not to attribute your happiness to this job that you love. Also, if your girlfriend isn’t happy in her career, talk to her about what she would rather be doing, and help her come up with a strategy to do it. Eventually the economy is going to rebound and the job market is going to open back up. If you help her start planning for the best way to get a non-universally useful job like yours now, she’ll be further ahead of the competition when it does. Whether the two of you will still be together then, I have no way of knowing, but I have to believe that if you are able to avoid decapitation by lion bite for the next year or so, it won’t be because of the job you love or your girlfriend’s bitchy response to it.

If you have questions for Carrie, please send them to carrieadvice@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter atwww.twitter.com/notannlanderswhere I can solve all your problems in 140 characters or less.

My Body, My Choice--Mind Your Own Damn Business

Any great ways to answer the question "so when are you going to have children" other then it's none of your damn business? Any help would be appreciated:) Crass, jaw dropping remarks are welcome.

Many thanks,

Charla

Dear Fellow Non-Breeder,

I’m going to spare you all the biological bullshit about how society still expects couples to have babies because of a Darwinian, near-species-wide hardwired need to keep the human race going. You know all that, and if you don’t, I’m glad you’re not having children at the moment, because you obviously don’t meet my i.q. prerequisite for procreating rights.

So, how to answer the $10,000.00 question. You could go the, make the questioner feel guilty for asking route, or you could make them feel like you’re not the sort of person who they’d want to see having kids anyway. My suggestions are these, feel free to use them in any variation or frequency you like.

1. We’ve tried and tried, but after the fourth miscarriage, we decided it just wasn’t in God’s plan for us to have kids.

2. Alcoholism, club-footedness, swollen tongue, and supernumerary nipple all run in my husband’s family, and he just refuses to let me breed with another man’s seed.

3. With the economy the way it is, we’ve been eating cat food twice a day since February. It just doesn’t feel right to bring another life into the world under those circumstances.

4. I’m sorry if there’s some emptiness that you’re feeling in your own life that you have to live vicariously through someone else’s uterus, but I think it’s time you take up some hobby other than sticking your nose in the business of my reproduction. Might I suggest sword swallowing or cliff diving?

5. I know most little girls dream of growing up and finding the perfect man, and having the fairytale wedding, and raising a family. Well, my dream was like that, except in my dream, I just wanted to raise ferrets. Lots and lots of ferrets. Do you want to see a picture of my ferrets!?

6. Actually, we’re trying right now. I’ve always thought of child rearing as something of an experiment. Like, what if for the first 12 years of the kid’s life, we tie his left arm behind his back. If at age 13, we give him use of his left arm, will he learn how to incorporate it into his life, or will it just be like a dead limb? It would be really cool if we had twins so that we could use one for the experiments and the other as a control subject.

7. I just don’t think a child would fit into mine and my husband’s lives right now. We’ve only got a 2 bedroom apartment, and right now the spare bedroom is where we practice the s&m. We spent a lot of money installing that sex swing, and I’d hate to take it down before we got our money’s worth. Then again, babies love swings, right?

8. I don’t tell many people this, but my 8^th grade history teacher gave me a really bad case of Chlamydia. Mr. Hawthorne made me swear not to tell about us, so I just let it go. Well, flash to 15 years later, and my lady doctor tells me I’ll never have children.

9. Fuck Off.

If you have questions for Carrie, please send them to carrieadvice@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/notannlanderswhere I can solve all your problems in 140 characters or less.

So, your friend has bad parents . . .

I recently found out that a friend of mine has a long lost brother. I know it's not my place to tell him, yet, I would want to know. I REALLY want to stay out of it, but I don't want him to be mad at me if he finds out later. What should I do?

 

Dear Secret Keeper,

 

First off I’m going to have to call bullshit. it’s bullshit that you want to stay out of it. Who would want to stay out of something so juicy? We live in a society where everyone wants to know every time Jessica Simpson breaks wind and you’re telling me you don’t want to be the one to tell your friend that he has a brother? Bullshit. You know you’re going to tell him. I know you’re going to tell him. Let’s just be honest with ourselves and figure out how to go about it.

Now, you have several options. Obviously the most entertaining would be to arrange some sort of encounter between the two siblings. That way you would not only be there when your friend finds out, but you’ll also get to witness the brothers’ first meeting. Will it be quiet and awkward? Will it turn out that brother number two needs a kidney and he’s been playing you the whole time?

If the potential cons of this first method feel like they outweigh the potential pros, maybe you try something a little subtler. Invite your friend over and rent The Parent Trap. Make sure it’s the 1961, Hayley Mills version and not the Lindsey Lohan version otherwise you’ll spend the whole night getting sidetracked with conversations about how Lohan had so much promise, and where did things go wrong, and do you think she’s a lesbian now or was that just a one-time deal, etc. You’ll risk your friend missing the point entirely. After the movie, start a “hypothetical” discussion about what it would be like to discover you have a long-lost sibling and then tell him. When he stops laughing or hyperventilating or doing whatever it is that you do when you find out you have a sibling that you’ve never known about, throw in the 1988 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, Twins just to show your friend how much fun newly discovered brothers can have together. Unless, of course, brother number two really does want a kidney in which case you’re fucked either way.

Have fun with that.

If you have questions for Carrie, please send them to carrieadvice@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/notannlanders where I can solve all your problems in 140 characters or less.

 

How to Tell if You're Infertile

Dear Carrie,

I think I might be sterile. I have no evidence to support this theory; it's just a hunch. What types of seeds should I plant in my garden this year? 

Sincerely,

Sowing the seeds of hope

Dear Seed Sower,

 

If there’s no hard science upon which to base your feared sterility, I have no choice but to assume that you aren’t getting laid. Before we go off half-cocked and start soliciting referrals for fertility specialists or switching from briefs to boxers, let’s see about testing your theory. You need a way to seduce a woman and, while I fully appreciate the implied euphemistic meaning of your question, I’m going to recommend that you leave the actual growing of flowers to the experts. Gardening takes finesse and since you clearly have none, I think planting anything could just exacerbate your problem. If flowers are still the way you want to go, let me suggest lilies. Dating as far back as ancient Greece, when people thought that the first lilies on earth sprang from Hera’s boob after she nursed little Hercules, the lily has been a symbol of fertility. Need more proof? Later, the Christians adopted the lily as the symbol of Mary (as in Virgin not Magdalene) and she got knocked up without any help from a sad sac like you, so there must be something to this flower.

As for what you should do with the lilies once you acquire them, that’s going to depend on the sort of girl you’re trying to mate with. One idea might be to fashion a sort of loin cloth out of them then show up at some raucous Saturday night frat party near whichever college campus you live closest to. If that’s not the kind of action you’re into, how about taking a bunch of Lilies to the office and systematically passing them out, one each, to all of your female coworkers, explaining that your only hope is to brighten their day. Sure, half of them will assume you’re gay, but the other half will be so impressed at your thoughtfulness that they’re sure to start picturing you naked whether they mean to or not.  Maybe the best idea is somewhere in between these two extremes. If there’s a girl you like, ask her out. Show up to the first date with a nice bouquet, buy her a moderately priced dinner, and see where things go. After all, if it turns out you’re not sterile, it might be nice to follow through and raise the child with someone who’s first memory of you won’t be as that crazy guy who showed up to Beta Beta Gamma’s Spring Finals Party in flower underwear.    

If you have Questions for Carrie, please send them to carrieadvice@gmail.com