Nothing Is Ever Your Fault, and I Can Prove It

Dear Carrie,

What do you do when your idiot brother lives across the country, and has no time to pick up the phone and call you? And what do you do if it’s totally fair that he doesn’t call you because you don’t call him either. Basically how do I make this his fault?

--The Better Sibling

Dear Equally Shitty Sibling,

I’m happy to get this question because it gives me a chance to bitch about my own life. I too have a sibling who is impossible to get a hold of. I assume it’s because she’s too busy being a better person than I am to pick up the phone or attend family functions. To be fair, she does send me a text message every January 5^th (the correct date, by the way) to wish me a happy birthday. This one detail serves to keep her just barely out of shitty sibling territory where I would otherwise be permitted to complain about the fact that she routinely comes to Columbus for reasons other than to see her big sister without ever calling to say, “Hey, I’m in town, want to grab a bite?” What I’m saying is, I can relate.

Since you are the sibling writing to me and not your brother, I am more than happy to vilify him with you. Keep in mind that if the tables were turned, I’d gladly make you out to be the asshole. In fact, see if you can get him to submit a question on this subject from his perspective, and I’ll run both responses side-by-side. It might be an interesting experiment, but I digress.

Since I don’t know your brother’s side of the story, I can only assume that the real reason you never call him is because of past rejections. You’ve undoubtedly tried and tried to get a hold of him through every means possible. Calls, emails, carrier pigeons, smoke signals—I assume you’ve exhausted them all to no avail. Even dogs and co-dependent wives of alcoholics stop coming around to be kicked eventually. It’s no wonder you don’t call him anymore. Don’t beat yourself up over it. You’ve suffered enough.

Now, if the above isn’t true—if you haven’t been shot down time and time again in your attempts to contact your good-for-nothing brother (and I’m not sure I’d believe you even if you told me this was the case given the obviousness of your victimhood) take heart, hope is not lost. We can still make this his fault. To make this work, you need only two things, a phone and a brain. Even if you don’t have the latter (which you very well may not since you haven’t thought of this on your own) you’re going to be okay. I’m going to do the bulk of the thinking for you.

The best thing you can do to make the lack of communication your brother’s fault is to call him when you know he’s at work. I know this isn’t as sure-fire as it would once have been now that we’re in the age of the cell phone, but believe it or not, there are still some people out there who have a work ethic and won’t answer cell phones while they’re on the job; furthermore, if your brother doesn’t have the kind of ethic or the kind of job that would prevent him from answering his phone at work and he really doesn’t have any desire to talk to you, your calling him when he’s at work gives him the perfect opportunity to play the, “sorry I couldn’t answer my phone at work,” card. It’s a win-win. You can say you tried to call him and claim that he is unreachable which makes him a dick or, if you know there’s no reason for him not to pick up when he’s at work and he tries to use work as an excuse, you can call bullshit and he’s a double-dick—one for not picking up and two for lying about why he didn’t pick up.

Once you feel sufficiently ignored by your brother, the next step is to call any family or mutual friends and say things like, “Hey, have you heard from (insert brother’s name)? I’ve been trying to get a hold of him, and he isn’t calling me back. I hope he’s okay.” Now he’s in deep shit for being a crappy brother and you’ve got people worrying about him. As there exists no nagging like that of a worried mother trying to get a hold of her elusive son, he’s sure to have to answer to someone eventually, and how are you at fault in this situation? You’re not. All you did was try to contact your brother then look out for his best interest by asking others if he’s okay. What kind of jerk would put his loved ones through that? You walk away looking like an angel.

What are you waiting for? Pick up the phone. Unless, of course, you're worried that he'll pick up and you'll actually have to talk to him.

If you have questions for Carrie, please send them to carrieadvice@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter atwww.twitter.com/notannlanderswhere I can solve all your problems in 140 characters or less.

So, your friend has bad parents . . .

I recently found out that a friend of mine has a long lost brother. I know it's not my place to tell him, yet, I would want to know. I REALLY want to stay out of it, but I don't want him to be mad at me if he finds out later. What should I do?

 

Dear Secret Keeper,

 

First off I’m going to have to call bullshit. it’s bullshit that you want to stay out of it. Who would want to stay out of something so juicy? We live in a society where everyone wants to know every time Jessica Simpson breaks wind and you’re telling me you don’t want to be the one to tell your friend that he has a brother? Bullshit. You know you’re going to tell him. I know you’re going to tell him. Let’s just be honest with ourselves and figure out how to go about it.

Now, you have several options. Obviously the most entertaining would be to arrange some sort of encounter between the two siblings. That way you would not only be there when your friend finds out, but you’ll also get to witness the brothers’ first meeting. Will it be quiet and awkward? Will it turn out that brother number two needs a kidney and he’s been playing you the whole time?

If the potential cons of this first method feel like they outweigh the potential pros, maybe you try something a little subtler. Invite your friend over and rent The Parent Trap. Make sure it’s the 1961, Hayley Mills version and not the Lindsey Lohan version otherwise you’ll spend the whole night getting sidetracked with conversations about how Lohan had so much promise, and where did things go wrong, and do you think she’s a lesbian now or was that just a one-time deal, etc. You’ll risk your friend missing the point entirely. After the movie, start a “hypothetical” discussion about what it would be like to discover you have a long-lost sibling and then tell him. When he stops laughing or hyperventilating or doing whatever it is that you do when you find out you have a sibling that you’ve never known about, throw in the 1988 Arnold Schwarzenegger classic, Twins just to show your friend how much fun newly discovered brothers can have together. Unless, of course, brother number two really does want a kidney in which case you’re fucked either way.

Have fun with that.

If you have questions for Carrie, please send them to carrieadvice@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter at www.twitter.com/notannlanders where I can solve all your problems in 140 characters or less.